Letters of Go Fuck Yourself

or, Why I Learned  to Stop Loving and Went Back to My Misanthropy.

Just when I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, these damn people may not be complete douche-nozzles… Well, let’s back up a bit before I start foaming.

Those who know me, know that I work a shitty secondary job answering customer service calls for a variety of different companies. One of the companies I pretend to work for is a prominent international aid organization. No, I won’t say the name of either company, because I’m not an idiot.

Whenever a major disaster befalls some country, like the recent Typhoon that has hit the Philippines, we get a huge influx of calls from people wanting to help out in any way they can. Sometimes, they’re crying as they do it. It is wonderful and humbling and breathtaking to talk to someone who is donating their last $10 to help feed someone they have never met. It makes me think that there may be some hope for some of them.

But then I get calls about this.

Apparently, there are people who look at a tragedy like this and think the best thing they can do is send a Letter of Hope to those affected. That’s right, a fucking letter. Telling them all about Jesus.

I can imagine what it must be like. Your home has been destroyed and you have nothing. Friends, family and neighbors are dead. The local food sources are just as decimated. You can’t even get clean water to drink. Then, you see a truck bounding over the refuse and devastation. Help is here. Finally. You and the other desperate, damaged people holding onto what remains of their lives gather around the truck as the back door opens on the beaming smile of a man who pours light and grace into the air around him. Then he hands you an envelope.

Doug Stanhope has ranted about the arrogance and self-centered nature of using races to raise money, but this trumps it. You could not possibly do less for someone than this. Even if you kept your ass lodged into your couch cushions, you aren’t rubbing their nose in your unwillingness to provide actual assistance. You are just being a self important piece of human shit.

And you want a people who are actually doing something to help take care of delivering your mail for you? Fuck off. At least the Mormons have the decency to show up to someone’s door when they want to proselytize.
Admittedly, this whole thing has given me an idea.